A seaside restaurant in the town of Bol, on the Croatian island of Brač. Now that’s an umbrella.

The outdoor cafe at Hotel Jagerhorn in Zagreb, Croatia.

Captain Cafe endures yet another cappuccino in his tireless search for the ultimate outdoor drinking and dining experience.

A seaside restaurant in the town of Bol, on the Croatian island of Brač. Now that’s an umbrella.

The outdoor cafe at Hotel Jagerhorn in Zagreb, Croatia.

Captain Cafe endures yet another cappuccino in his tireless search for the ultimate outdoor drinking and dining experience.

I am writing to inform you that I will happily accept your offer to head up San Francisco’s Office of Outdoor Dining & Leisure.

You’ll be happy to know I’ve spent the past two weeks conducting extensive research in Croatia, the world’s cafe capital, where coffee shops and restaurants have taken the art of lounging around and people-watching to new heights.

Having consumed 473 eis caffes while relaxing in a wide variety of cushiony lounge chairs, I’m sad to report San Francisco lags far behind the developed world in terms of outdoor dining and imbibing. If the Sistine Chapel represents the height of enlightenment, our fair city is stuck somewhere in the time of the Druids.

But have no fear, Captain Cafe is here.

Before we get into some specific action items, your Honor, let's recap the situation. When COVID hit, and diners were forced outside, San Francisco made the progressive decision to allow sidewalk dining. (Before that, it was easier to build affordable housing than to get an outdoor patio permit.)

This triggered a rush to construct outdoor areas suitable for the task. Instead of going top shelf, in terms of tables, chairs and umbrellas, restaurants threw together a hodgepodge of roadside eateries that turned out more Peoria than Paris. We literally used wooden pallets, plywood and sheets of hard plastic to build our pathetic little parklets. Frankly, it's embarrassing.

So, we're half way there. It's great that San Francisco overcame its cafe phobia. Now we need to make them look good. 

To do so, we need to up our design ambitions. From where I sit, staring out at the Adriatic nursing my 14th cappuccino of the morning, it's all about cover and cushions. In terms of shade, I have three suggestions. Umbrellas. Umbrellas. And more umbrellas.

The cafes of Europe have taken the humble canopy to a new level, making them bigger, longer, more colorful and propped up by all kinds of nifty contraptions. Using uniform colors and sizes, the city of Zagreb has created truly attractive outdoor spaces that invite strolling and sipping and general happiness.

And apparently it helps if nobody works. You literally can't find a table to sit at, among thousands, on a typical Tuesday. Perhaps they're all working remotely? Down on the coast, the cafes have sturdy umbrellas to withstand the coastal winds while protecting people from the scorching sun. Take note San Francisco: Nobody uses transparent, corrugated plastic sheeting above their tables. 

Let's move on to the seating, Ms. Mayor. Nothing puts butts in the seats like comfortable butts. I've spent days now doing absolutely nothing but sitting on big fat cushions and watching the world go by. Try that on one of San Francisco's table-side benches. I mean, I'd rather stand. Over here, I've actually fallen asleep on some of the cushier couches. Spend the money on the seating, says the Captain. Success will follow. (While this is a private expense in Europe, perhaps we can subsidize this using a fraction of our $13 billion budget, Mayor Breed.)

Next up, San Francisco's waiters need to adjust their attitude to create a more cosmopolitan atmosphere. When a customer arrives in one of our newly spruced-up street restaurants, they should be roundly ignored for at least 15 minutes. When it finally comes time to order, they should be met with a withering look of boredom and disdain, followed by another lengthy period of abandonment.

When and if the food finally arrives, the check should be delivered no sooner than four hours later. And patrons should always be made to feel small if they insist on paying by credit card.

I don't make the rules, your Honor. I'm just here to enforce them.

Last but not least, it would help if diners were not forced to watch people defecate, smoke heroin or simply sleep in a pile of filth while dining. Apparently, customers don't enjoy this. I know it's a lot to ask, but Europe seems to have figured out how to make this magic happen. I believe it has something to do with enforcing the law and helping the homeless, rather than ignoring them. But don't ask me for specifics. That's not my department at City Hall. In fact, I have no idea whose department that falls under. 

In closing, Ms. Breed, San Francisco needs to up its cafe culture. And fast. I'm sure you saw what I saw on your own recent fact-finding mission to Europe. I propose we both return to the continent every other month for the next 16 years to continue our observations. I hear Rome is lovely in September.

The Arena, a column from The Examiner’s Al Saracevic, explores San Francisco’s playing field, from politics and technology to sports and culture. Send your tips, quips and quotes to asaracevic@sfexaminer.com. Sign up for his weekly newsletter here. And follow him on Twitter @alsaracevic. 

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